Up and down like a whores' drawers, my subconscious remarks bitterly. 'Sitting beside me, he gently pulls my sweatpants down. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.' He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. 'I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. 'When did you start your period, Anastasia?'. 'I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body.'' 'Turning to face him, I'm shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. 'Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow, erotic dance. His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. 'Before I know it, he's got both of my hands in his viselike grip above my head, and he's pinning me to the wall using his lips.

Additional reporting by Tara Block That Elevator Makeout Session Well, everything except for that tampon scene. To take the words from Anastasia herself: 'Holy cow!' Check out the hottest (NSFW) excerpts that we want to watch over again (and again). Have you seen the sex scenes in the Fifty Shades of Grey book played out in film? Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson say Christian Grey's and Anastasia Steele's steamy lines out loud (not to mention simulating the actual acts) to titillating success in the naughty adaptation.

Fifty shades of grey nude scenes